Instructions: The diner two tables over had just plunged both chopsticks into her rice and left them standing, TV antenna style, while she reached for a piece of tempura.

Horrified, I turned away only to see my daughter grab a pot sticker like a pot handle and mop up soy sauce. My other daughter was chasing an errant glob of rice around her plate.

Normally at Japanese restaurants, I try to turn off my Japanese sensibilities to preserve my dining peace of mind. Apparently, I dont switch them on enough at home. A Japanese mothers admonition popped to mind. Osodachi ga warui! - Youve got bad upbringing!

Common knowledge, which includes good manners, is becoming less common, even in Japan.

Most diners, of course, cant blame poor upbringing for any faux pas committed at the sushi bar. Where would they learn the myriad detailed rules, such as which fingers go where when lifting the soup bowl? Astute observers might pick up tips from Japanese diners, who supposedly learned all these rules in the home.

But older people lament that the younger generation isnt learning proper etiquette. Fewer households include a grandparent, the traditional preservers and teachers of culture. And many parents are failing to teach their children.

Also, more families eat spaghetti, curry and hamburgers while sitting at their Western-style tables, and are thus less familiar with their own traditions.

Theres no Berlitz for manners. So how do you ensure youll not offend a Japanese business partner, sister-city family or date?

The serious-minded might attend workshops on tea ceremony and other cultural subjects (for classes offered by tea masters Larry Tiscornia and Kimika Takechi,

For others, I offer a brief guide to avoiding the more common and horrendous blunders. I do this to better the social good, and also because some day, I may be dining at the table next to you.

Clean vs. dirty

Fine restaurants provide chopstick rests, to prop up the utensils during a meal. Use them. This prevents both the unclean (in concept only, of course)

table from touching the chopstick tips, and the chopstick tips from soiling the table.

At everyday restaurants, rest the chopstick tips on your soy sauce dish, or any of your small dishes, or across a larger plate. When not in use, chopsticks should be left together, parallel.

Dont whittle your chopsticks. (Remove any splinters with your fingers.)

Dont drum with them. Do not use your food as a chopstick pincushion. And never, ever, pass a dining companion a piece of food, chopstick to chopstick. That maneuver is used only for handling cremated bones; it is forbidden at the table.

What, no soup spoons?

Lift your soup bowl to your mouth to drink, and use chopsticks to direct any solids toward you. And lift your bowl when eating rice, but dont shovel from bowl to mouth directly (unless you are eating tea and rice, as you might at someones home). Foods that cant be picked up neatly usually are served in bowls that can. If you are attending a chopsticks-only church potluck, do not attempt to take the Jell-O unless you are extremely dexterous.

If the rice is served on a plate, you should be provided a fork. (Then, the rice is called raisu rather than gohan.) And, in that case, you dont need to lift anything but the utensil.

Think restraint

When creating your own bowl of dipping sauce, be moderate. You want to add a touch of flavor, not immerse every bit of rice in a wasabi soy sauce bath. Take just enough to last for a while, what youre certain youll use up. Leaving a pool of soy sauce is both wasteful and insulting to the chef.

Pay attention

If your guest drains his glass of beer or sake, thats a sign for the host to order more and pour it for him. If the cup isnt empty, thats a sign that he doesnt want any more - unless, if you offer, and after some protesting, he drains his cup and holds it out.

Need we say this?

Dont use your chopsticks as a pointer or skewer. Dont wave them in the air while talking. Dont slurp your soup. Dont talk with your mouth full. If youre a guest, clean your plate. In other words, do as your mom and dad told you.

At a refined meal, save serious talk until afterward. Mealtime chitchat is focused on the meal.

One footnote on slurping: In Japan slurping noodles is OK. Actually, noodles are kind of inhaled through the mouth, producing a slurping sound. But please, this is not Japan. Respect Western sensibilities.

Japanese express thanks for the meal both before and after eating.

Gochisosama deshita usually is translated It was a feast, thank you. Literally, it is a phrase composed of the characters You underwent a lot of confusion and chaos to produce this meal. Which, if you didnt know your manners, you very well may have imposed on your host. Do say thank you, in any language.

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