Instructions: Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it; But we hae meat, and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit. - Robert Burns

It all started with a rib roast.

It seemed like a great party idea: Buy the meat and cook it up just like Mom used to. A solid days work.

So the rib roast went into the shopping cart. All six-something pounds and 60-something dollars of it.

But then, panic: How on earth is a rib roast cooked? What do you serve alongside a rib roast? Do you always have to say rib before roast, or will roast suffice? Is pot roast a roast? Where does roast beef fit into this equation?

That the questions arose wasnt surprising. In an age of fast food and faster food, we the people, in order to form a more perfect union and ensure domestic ease in the kitchen, have strayed far from the menus of our forefathers and foremothers.

Still, and especially during the holidays, some of us yearn for such old-school menus, foods that remind us of parents or grandparents and the carrying on of family traditions. The only problem: I didnt have a clue how to make these things. It seemed too daunting. Too expensive. Too, well, meaty.

But are these meals really Mission Impossible? I promise you, they are not. I overcame fear and cooked three large roasts: that hunk of beef, a leg of lamb (I wanted mutton but couldnt find it) and a ham. It was easy. And everyone who partook of the meat fest loved it and made like a Hoover vacuum cleaner. Best of all, I was a star.

Standing rib roast

The rib roast had me completely stressed out. I had bought it for a dinner I was hosting for some people who really knew food. I wanted to impress. Also, that hunk of meat was expensive. If I overcooked it, I might as well go to the nearest latrine, open up my wallet and flush sixty bucks down the toilet. And I had no idea what to serve alongside it. Mashed potatoes were just so 90s.

So I asked around. I learned that roast beef is any cut that is roasted, that is, cooked uncovered in an ovens dry heat, as opposed to a pot roast, which is made from a cheaper cut of meat and cooked covered, with some liquid, so as to tenderize it. That means a roast beef has to be tender (read: a more pricey cut) to begin with. The best cuts for roasting are a rib or rib-eye roast, which come from the animals upper back. Some rib roasts are sold without the bones, but the classic roast beef for Christmas dinner is a rib roast, or a rib-eye, with the rib bones attached.

At this point I knew more about meat than I really wanted.

The funny thing is, people come in this time of year, wanting the prime rib roast, but they wonder how to cook it, said Alex Castro, assistant manager at Andronicos in San Francisco, adding that bone-in lamb and ham were close runners-up in popularity to beef roasts. Theyre intimidated by the size. Its something theyve never really tried to make. So we give them recipes. We have to build up their confidence.

To build up my confidence, I bought a good meat thermometer and pulled out the Bible of cookbooks, Joy of Cooking. The Bible recommended a side of Yorkshire Pudding. I obliged.

When all was said and done, the meal was probably the easiest Ive made in my life. To slow-roast a beef rib roast, all the Joy of Cooking recommended I do to cook it medium rare was season the meat liberally with salt and pepper, throw it in a roasting pan rib-side-down for 10 minutes at 450 degrees, then reduce the heat to 250 degrees until the instant-read thermometer read 125-130 degrees. In my oven, it took about 20 minutes per pound to cook, and two hours later, after I carved the first slice, the first luscious, pink cut of beef, I mentally high-fived myself. As well as the person who recommended a good meat thermometer.

This old school stuff is a cakewalk, I thought. Bring on the mutton.

Mutton

I was stunned to find that there are actually people who have fond memories of mutton.

People like my own mother.

Oh, we all loved mutton in my house, said Mom. We would gather around, my sisters and I, and chant `Mutton! Mutton! Mutton!

Not at my house.

Like most people my age (thirtysomething), I dont know much about mutton. I know it sounds gross. I know Jerry Seinfeld stuffed it into Grandma Mimmas napkins and hid it in his jacket pockets as part of some convoluted plot twist.

I hear it tastes really lamby. I know Ive never eaten it. and now I know that mutton - that is sheep, or a lamb that is more than a year old - is also virtually impossible to find these days.

The butcher at my supermarket recommended I try Guerra Quality Meats in San Francisco. Guerra Quality Meats recommended I try the Internet. A Google search turned up a place in the United Kingdom that had mountain mutton, as well as a domestic source for barbecued mutton. Neither of these would work for my recipe, which was also hard enough to find in itself, since not many celebrity chefs have made their name with their mutton dishes.

Vowing not to tell my mother her taste buds were freaky, I bought a plain old leg of lamb with the bone in and used an ancient recipe from Gourmet Magazines section on mutton, not to mention bear, bison and muskrat. I followed a recipe for Scotch roast leg of mutton. It was easy enough, asking for white wine, some raisins and some boiled and peeled chestnuts. You may think boiling and peeling chestnuts is a pain. Its not. They sell them that way these days! And raisins; well, if youre still buying grapes and drying them yourself, then you have issues.

Anyway, the lamb was good. Soft, juicy, warm, hearty, simple . . . I could have eaten it for days. Wait, I did. Because Id made seven pounds of lamb. Take that into consideration when youre balking at the $30 price of your leg of lamb.

Ham

The goal was to cook an uncooked ham.

I mean, in a society raised on stuff like Hormel, there are probably people who dont realize the ham on their plates is the result of a tedious cooking and curing process. Though ham of yesterday (the entire back leg portion of the hog which was smoked or cured) is not the ham of today (generally, a variety of cuts from either the hind leg or front shoulder that are salt-cured and sometimes smoked and aged), the result is generally a juicy, textured, flavored meat.

I wasnt about to try salt-curing at home (imagine the kitchen afterward), I commenced my search for a cured but uncooked ham.

I didnt get far.

You can buy cured hams that need to be cooked, but its just not done, said Bill Niman, founder of Marin Countys Niman Ranch, the undisputed local king of beef, pork and lamb. The smoking is such a wonderful process, and done so well, that theres no point for home cooks to do it themselves.

The most exotic thing I could hope for in the ham department turned out to be finding a bone-in ham that wasnt spiral-sliced. It wasnt so easy.

As a society, were getting further and further away from pure foods, Niman said. People want convenience. . . . Purists want a bone-in ham. Its a different flavor. A better flavor. Its like why you add ham hocks to a soup.

The bone just has flavor.

My ham-hunting advice: Call first. (If you want a Niman Ranch ham like the one I got, you can find them at Bi-Rite in San Francisco, Berkeley Bowl and Cafe Rouge in Berkeley.)

After lugging the ham home - remember, that bone adds weight, and if you want a workout on the side, this is another good meal to prepare - and followed Niman Ranchs idiot-proof recipe.

Add a cup of water to the bottom of a roasting pan, add the pre-cooked ham and warm at 325 degrees for 10 minutes per pound.

Carving the behemoth with the ease of a butter knife through room-temperature butter, I served the ham. It was fatty. It was juicy. It was incredible. And I dont even like ham.

But best of all, this meal was a layup. The house smelled like Id been cooking all day, and for those who dont know that buying an uncooked ham is next to impossible, I seemed incredibly impressive in the kitchen. and theres the moral of the tale. These comfort foods, these dramatic, festive meals that remind us of days past, can still work their magic on the masses. Theyre not even that difficult to make.

What a relief it is to discover this just in time for the holidays. Because Mom is coming over. But she wants mutton.

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